I really messed up.
I just got back from my first ever hour-long session with Doctor Hynes. Other then the monthly psyche evaluations he gives out of course. You see, I had a bit of an incident yesterday.
No, no, don't worry it wasn't anything like Royce. I didn't try to, you know.... But I shouted my head off in the mess hall for everyone to hear. It was the strangest thing. First thing was I was collecting my processed food in line like everyone else and as I was headed over to sit with Julia, Lin comes bouncing up to me.
"Hey Nora! I have a question."
I'm pretty sure I shrugged in a noncommittal manner.
"I was going to make something for Rex for his birthday and I need your help."
I think straight off when she called him 'Rex' I could feel the twitch at the corner of my left eye. And then when she decided she apparently needed my help with something for him It got my blood sizzling a bit. So I said something along the likes of, "Why do you need MY help? I don't know 'Rex' half as well as you do."
And Lin smiled at me with that chipper, happy, genuine nice-ness and said something like, "Well I know how well you two get along and thought you might want to help me make him something nice."
At least I think that last bit was what she said. I really only remember 'well I know how you two get along-'
Then I think I dropped my tray of food.
It was the weirdest sensation, like my fingertips went numb, and my face was hot and I felt like everything was blurry and moving in slow motion, and then words just started pouring out of my mouth. I can't even remember half of it, something along the lines of 'how can I get along with him if I never see him because you're always with him, and do you think anyone on this ship actually knows one another? Do you think we're all happy here like you and 'Rex'?'
When I snapped out of it, the world sort of pitched and I fell over and then I remember waking up and Julia was hovering next to me like a nervous hummingbird.
Dr. Hynes diagnosed me with mild C.D.A; or Compact Dwelling Anxiety. He told me not to worry that there's at least a dozen of us that have light symptoms. He told me to take it easy and try not to get stressed out and I won't have an 'episode' again. Julia suggested that I go talk to Lin and Masaru to straighten things out. Mainly so I don't worry about it anymore. Gatta be honest - terrified to do so.
In light of these events, CRAVE has seen fit to remind us what season we're in. All the screens are showing pretty Winter scenes and the temperature dropped a bit so we're all wearing sweaters and drinking hot coffee and cocoa. I think Lin and the others have been making garlands, because there are paper-ring strings hung everywhere.
I haven't really been to see anyone yet, I've been sticking to my basic duties, my bunk with Junpin, Gilda and Julia and the medical facility. This morning, when I was in the Server IV chamber, CRAVE spoke to me. Got me thinking.
"MSR2 Greene. May I ask you a question?"
"I understand the symptoms and qualities of space-born illness, but i cannot compute the emotional triggers behind them. Why did you shout at Flight Engineer R3 Yang?"
"Well... I happen to like Pilot Hamatsu. She was spending a lot of time with him and I was not. So I got angry."
"Well when people like someone they want to spend time with them. But if someone else is, I guess people feel awkward about being around them if they are a couple."
"So you feel awkward around them because they are a couple and because of this you yelled at Flight Engineer R3 Yang?"
Sigh. "Yeah. I guess."
"When you say couple I assume that you mean mated pair."
"Geez, CRAVE I don't know if they're mating."
"Do you believe Flight Engineer R3 Yang to be unsuitable for Pilot Hamatsu?"
"Do you believe that Flight Engineer R3 Yang is inferior to yourself or someone else aboard the Zephyr IV?"
"Is there a more feasible reason for you to be angry with Flight Engineer R3 Yang?"
CRAVE was quiet for a moment. I was too. I wasn't sure how to explain jealousy to an AI, but I didn't have to. I was working it all out in my head.
I'm such a jerk.
"I do not understand certain nuances of human culture."
"I don't either CRAVE, its all right."
You know, the fact that I'm out in space and not on an inhabitable planet doesn't really bother me. At least, not that I'm aware of. I think maybe it's the emptiness of outside that does.
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